Men.......

Page 2 of 3 Previous  1, 2, 3  Next

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  LoolaBeanbag on Mon Jul 29, 2013 9:51 am

Why Baba? What are you accused of?
avatar
LoolaBeanbag

Posts : 2742
Thanks : 127
Join date : 2012-10-30
Location : The compost heap in the garden of England

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Babafette on Mon Jul 29, 2013 9:57 am

LoolaBeanbag wrote:Why Baba? What are you accused of?
It's because I don't want a baby. Neutral 
avatar
Babafette

Posts : 3414
Thanks : 127
Join date : 2012-08-21
Age : 42
Location : London/Devon

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Laura on Mon Jul 29, 2013 10:01 am

I do the water thing too, only cos I've woken up with "Gandhi's flip-flop" so many times I think it's handy to have Very Happy
avatar
Laura

Posts : 2727
Thanks : 86
Join date : 2012-10-16
Age : 26
Location : West Sussex

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  LoolaBeanbag on Mon Jul 29, 2013 10:09 am

Babafette wrote:
LoolaBeanbag wrote:Why Baba? What are you accused of?
It's because I don't want a baby. Neutral 

Oh Baba, that's really so very sad Sad .
I can see both arguments and there's no compromise or happy medium on this one. Is it a phase he's going through?
avatar
LoolaBeanbag

Posts : 2742
Thanks : 127
Join date : 2012-10-30
Location : The compost heap in the garden of England

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Babafette on Mon Jul 29, 2013 10:13 am

LoolaBeanbag wrote:Oh Baba, that's really so very sad Sad .
I can see both arguments and there's no compromise or happy medium on this one.  Is it a phase he's going through?
I really don't know. I've always been open about how I felt about the subject. He's putting so much pressure on me. No

Sorry, I know this probably isn't the place to air this, but I have nobody else I can really talk too and it's making me very unhappy.
avatar
Babafette

Posts : 3414
Thanks : 127
Join date : 2012-08-21
Age : 42
Location : London/Devon

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Laura on Mon Jul 29, 2013 10:37 am

You're always welcome to talk to us Babs you know that x

Dan and I luckily agree on not wanting to have children, but I worry that somewhere down the line I might crack when I hit 30 (if we're still together then lol!)
avatar
Laura

Posts : 2727
Thanks : 86
Join date : 2012-10-16
Age : 26
Location : West Sussex

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  LoolaBeanbag on Mon Jul 29, 2013 10:45 am

If you've made it clear from the start, was he of the same opinion then Baba or has he changed his mind since?
It's worrying that he's making you feel this way and putting you under pressure. From his side of things I have felt the desire to reproduce and it does become a very powerful all consuming uncontrollable need. Nothing can make it go away, it's primal.
I'm not making excuses for him at all Baba, he knows your position on this and has to accept it or decide which he wants more, you or a family. Typical man wants the best of both worlds.
Add in the fact that the impact of a baby for a man is generally a small cute noisy thing that he waves goodbye to in the morning and kisses when he gets home from work just as said baby is being put to bed (by an exhausted Mum who's given up her career, gained 30lbs, run around after the baby all day and the previous night, and the day and night before etc. etc, wears shapeless black clothing covered constantly in vomit) The physical effects remain too. But man can't see what all the fuss is about. Hell, it's just a baby......and it's not as if it'll become a full monty child or teenager when it gets older is it?!!! Then there's the clash of parenting styles.............
(To be fair this isn't the case in our family, but it certainly is for most of my friends).

Oh hell, I haven't helped much have I? I guess what I'm saying is that I suspect he won't stop harassing you until he gets what he wants, which he has no justification for. And even as a Mum of several I fully understand why you don't want. I love you 
avatar
LoolaBeanbag

Posts : 2742
Thanks : 127
Join date : 2012-10-30
Location : The compost heap in the garden of England

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  SueD on Mon Jul 29, 2013 6:15 pm

Fabulous advice from Mama Bear Loola as usual there Baba x I'm sorry you're going through this, It's really not something you can do because you've been pressured into it as it's such a huge life changing thing.
avatar
SueD

Posts : 1491
Thanks : 78
Join date : 2013-02-19
Age : 48

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Wesker on Mon Jul 29, 2013 6:18 pm

Have you got any friends with babies that you could spend a day with? It might put him off lol
avatar
Wesker

Posts : 835
Thanks : 75
Join date : 2012-08-21
Age : 52
Location : Kent

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Geordie Nails on Mon Jul 29, 2013 6:55 pm

I'd be really, really, REALLY angry if a partner said they didn't want children then changed their mind and put pressure on. Even if they hadn't envisaged it.
avatar
Geordie Nails

Posts : 617
Thanks : 73
Join date : 2013-05-03
Location : NE England

View user profile http://geordienails.blogspot.co.uk

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  ninjablossom on Mon Jul 29, 2013 7:27 pm

Sad yeah air anything you want on here!

I have no maternal instinct at all really. Babies are cute sometimes but I don't have that primal instinct Loola mentioned. As the person who will carry the baby and ultimately end up the primary care giver then you defo can't be pressured - its not just like getting a new cat Sad and cats are demanding enough!

Unless you chat about the options and twist it around - is he is going to do the majority of the care and let you be the main bread winner, then will he understand how much it will take over and change his life, is he prepared to make the baby a priority over work?
avatar
ninjablossom

Posts : 1246
Thanks : 57
Join date : 2013-02-16
Age : 103
Location : Surrey

View user profile http://ninjablossomnails.wordpress.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Sarah on Mon Jul 29, 2013 7:50 pm

Sam wrote:My OH insists on having a glass of water next to the bed every night (which obviously he doesn't drink because he's asleep).  He quite frequently knocks this over, because I think he fights in his sleep?  I've taken a hit on more than one occasion lol.  Anyhoo, a few weeks ago he knocked his water over again during the night, just picked it up and didn't worry too much about it.  Then in the morning he discovered it had gone all over his work file, and he flipped.  I suggested perhaps he should stop keeping a glass of water there...but no, apparently the glass of water wasn't the problem, it was my stuff on the bedside table that had caused him to knock over the glass of water that he had put there apparently.

Men are stupid.

Would swapping to a bottle of water not help solve this problem? I keep a bottle by my bed because I know I'd knock over a glass.

Hugs baba xxx
avatar
Sarah

Posts : 1247
Thanks : 31
Join date : 2012-08-21
Age : 29
Location : Devon

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Babafette on Mon Jul 29, 2013 10:33 pm

Thanks for the kind words ladies. We've been together for 18 years and he always said he wasn't bothered about children before. No We had some friends and their baby over back in March and he's been on about it since then. Last week on holiday with families everywhere it was just awful.

I have nothing against children but I'm happy with my life as it is. I don't want to be pregnant and go through labour and as selfish as it sounds I don't want the responsibility of a child. He keeps saying it's only 9 months and that I'm very selfish etc, etc which just makes me even more angry. It is a complete life change which would mean giving up work and probably moving to Devon permanently where I have no family or real friends. Crying or Very sad
avatar
Babafette

Posts : 3414
Thanks : 127
Join date : 2012-08-21
Age : 42
Location : London/Devon

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Sally Magpie on Mon Jul 29, 2013 10:50 pm

I agree with you about the baby thing Baba.

We decided at the outset that if it was too happen, then all well and good, and if it didn't that was cool aswell. Luckily, we have both stuck to this. He did have a wobble last year when he was stopped from seeing his children, but we have never actively tried, and I am confident we won't now.

If I am honest us having children would cause even more trouble with his ex family not less.

The only thing I can say is it is not a case of 9 months if you have a baby, it effects your entire life. Forever. They are always your responsibility, and will be forever more.
avatar
Sally Magpie

Posts : 2554
Thanks : 107
Join date : 2012-08-21
Age : 41
Location : Walsall

View user profile http://nailpron.blogspot.co.uk/

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  LoolaBeanbag on Mon Jul 29, 2013 11:21 pm

Babafette wrote:Thanks for the kind words ladies. We've been together for 18 years and he always said he wasn't bothered about children before. No We had some friends and their baby over back in March and he's been on about it since then. Last week on holiday with families everywhere it was just awful.

I have nothing against children but I'm happy with my life as it is. I don't want to be pregnant and go through labour and as selfish as it sounds I don't want the responsibility of a child. He keeps saying it's only 9 months and that I'm very selfish etc, etc which just makes me even more angry. It is a complete life change which would mean giving up work and probably moving to Devon permanently where I have no family or real friends. Crying or Very sad

He really doesn't get it does he Baba, its only 9 months.........!!!
Things go wrong with pregnancies too, many people overlook this and the emotional and physical toll it can take. I've had more miscarriages that I've had children, between numbers 2 and 4 it was a hellish situation and the mental and physical strain was immense (I felt like a failure, and had a megamondo haemorrhage in public which was terrifying). I came through quickly and no problem, but there were dark days - not generally like me to be like this but the hormone withdrawal does odd things to your mind!). Strangely numbers 5 and 6 just happened, not trying, no miscarriages.
I've also had a suspected DVT and have been on blood thinners throughout my last 4 pregnancies, suffered with SPD, have haemorrhaged post birth twice, needed surgery after three births, have had a daft upside down baby that needed to be physically turned, last baby got stuck on the way out etc. etc......
Even now, I have terrible sciatica as my pelvis was displaced by baby number one, and has been worsened by each consecutive one bashing it a bit more on the way out.
Then there's the massive hit your self confidence takes - and career gone. When meeting new people it sometimes feels like you have nothing to say to them as you spend all your time in Baby/toddlerville. Hell, I could go for hours on the drawbacks but don't get me wrong, I love my children and feel extremely lucky to have so many happy and healthy bunnies. However it's not a decision to be taken lightly and has eternal consequences.
Stick to your guns Baba, I have huge respect for someone who is able to make a firm decision and not be influenced, pressurised or compromised.
avatar
LoolaBeanbag

Posts : 2742
Thanks : 127
Join date : 2012-10-30
Location : The compost heap in the garden of England

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Laura on Mon Jul 29, 2013 11:48 pm

I agree with Loola, to stand your ground and not be swayed by him deserves my respect! I imagine there must be so many people who have bowed to their pressure of their partners and have always regretted it.

He doesn't seem to understand what it's really like, "it's just 9 months" is so incredibly short sighted I can't even... he does know that you have to bring up a kid for at least 18 years, right? And even then you can't bloody get rid of them Razz You should broach the subject with him again (as I'm sure he'll want to talk about it) and suggest that he stays at home and see how he feels then. It's completely and utterly unfair for him to pressure you into changing your life forever just because you have the bits that grow the baby! He'll probably change his tune once you suggest that he stays at home mopping up baby sick for months on end affraid

I hope you can work through it Babs x
avatar
Laura

Posts : 2727
Thanks : 86
Join date : 2012-10-16
Age : 26
Location : West Sussex

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  LoolaBeanbag on Tue Jul 30, 2013 12:09 am

[quote="Laura"]
stays at home mopping up baby sick for months on end affraid

A decade in my case Laura. I've been vomit mopping for 11 whole years - children aged 11, 10, 7, 4, 3, 1. I still have at least 11 more years of phase 2 - the dreaded school run!
It's worked for me though, but everyone's very different. My sister has no children at 42 and is happier with her career, travel and and playing polo.
avatar
LoolaBeanbag

Posts : 2742
Thanks : 127
Join date : 2012-10-30
Location : The compost heap in the garden of England

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Jasmina on Tue Jul 30, 2013 4:06 am

Babafette wrote:
LoolaBeanbag wrote:Oh Baba, that's really so very sad Sad .
I can see both arguments and there's no compromise or happy medium on this one.  Is it a phase he's going through?
I really don't know. I've always been open about how I felt about the subject. He's putting so much pressure on me. No

Sorry, I know this probably isn't the place to air this, but I have nobody else I can really talk too and it's making me very unhappy.

I apologise in advance if I am too blunt on this subject, I think your OH is being totally out of order on this basis, you made it perfectly clear you didn't want children, he had the opportunity then to walk away or accept no children. To badger you now because you are still sticking my your original comments isn't fair. He should be ashamed of himself, he may not have realised he wanted children at the time but even if he had the tiniest notion he did he should have made that clear to you.

There is no happy answer to this one I am afraid, he shouldn't hope to convince you otherwise as that isn't fair at all. I had to have the conversation with my DH really early into our relationship as I knew I was failing for him but he already had children from a previous relationship. I knew if he didn't want more I would have had to end it because it wouldn't be fair to expect him to change his mind and I knew I wanted children in my future.

It really isn't a situation with a half way solution, you can't have a part time baby.

Jasmina

Posts : 1713
Thanks : 53
Join date : 2012-08-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Geordie Nails on Tue Jul 30, 2013 6:33 am

Babafette wrote:I have nothing against children but I'm happy with my life as it is. I don't want to be pregnant and go through labour and as selfish as it sounds I don't want the responsibility of a child. He keeps saying it's only 9 months and that I'm very selfish etc, etc which just makes me even more angry. It is a complete life change which would mean giving up work and probably moving to Devon permanently where I have no family or real friends. Crying or Very sad
Baba, the most selfish thing a person can do is to have a child they don't really want - or that their partner doesn't really want. Don't let him get to you Sad
avatar
Geordie Nails

Posts : 617
Thanks : 73
Join date : 2013-05-03
Location : NE England

View user profile http://geordienails.blogspot.co.uk

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Sam on Tue Jul 30, 2013 6:42 am

I'm sorry to hear he's making you feel like that Baba, that's totally unfair Sad And of course you can always talk about anything with us here!
avatar
Sam

Posts : 878
Thanks : 50
Join date : 2012-08-27
Age : 28

View user profile http://polishedart.blogspot.co.uk

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Laura on Tue Jul 30, 2013 8:25 am

My bf has banned me from piano moving tonight, says he's preventing me from hurting myself. Hmph!
avatar
Laura

Posts : 2727
Thanks : 86
Join date : 2012-10-16
Age : 26
Location : West Sussex

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  LoolaBeanbag on Tue Jul 30, 2013 9:14 am

Call him a wanker and get him to move the bloody thing!!! Very Happy 
avatar
LoolaBeanbag

Posts : 2742
Thanks : 127
Join date : 2012-10-30
Location : The compost heap in the garden of England

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Laura on Tue Jul 30, 2013 12:29 pm

Silly willy wanker Very Happy
avatar
Laura

Posts : 2727
Thanks : 86
Join date : 2012-10-16
Age : 26
Location : West Sussex

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Babafette on Tue Jul 30, 2013 9:10 pm

Another 3 hour constant baby barrage last night until 1.30am this morning. Crying or Very sad 
avatar
Babafette

Posts : 3414
Thanks : 127
Join date : 2012-08-21
Age : 42
Location : London/Devon

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Laura on Tue Jul 30, 2013 9:18 pm

Oh Babs Sad how can he not see what this is doing to you?

What's his "selling point" (for lack of a better word) for the notion?
avatar
Laura

Posts : 2727
Thanks : 86
Join date : 2012-10-16
Age : 26
Location : West Sussex

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Men.......

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Page 2 of 3 Previous  1, 2, 3  Next

View previous topic View next topic Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum